AS I stare at this photo of me from years ago, I see a happy, fun loving and hopeful girl who is full of life, full of love and enjoying everything the day; the moment, has to offer. I look at this photo in sadness, because I can remember how I felt on this day and I know that I am no longer that same girl. I wish I was that same girl, but the events of the last two years have changed me so much that all I can do is grieve for who I used to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I still find joy, I still look for joy. I try to find gratitude in everything so that I can remind myself of reasons to be happy. But I have to work for that happiness and joy now, where it just came so naturally before. I can see it in my face in the photo. I don’t even like having my photo taken any more because I don’t like the face that I see looking back at me. It isn’t the same face anymore.
I have so much to be grateful for, I truly do, but at moments like now; when I allow myself to really express repressed feelings, I feel ashamed to be having my own little pity party.
First of all, I have changed physically since losing my Mother. I can see the changes in the photos and my perception is that I have aged and no longer look vibrant. Mentally, I have changed for the better and the worse; how could I not change? I will never be as I was and a part of me grieves for my former self, but I remain hopeful that somewhere along the way, I will find a new me that I will love again.
I no longer feel beautiful and the physical changes that I see prove to me that grief and loss are worn on my face and body every day. No matter how hard I try to hide them, I am showing them off always as this is my new mask that isn’t even hiding anything. I fool no one but myself. I go about my day as if I am fine and then I see a photo like this from three years ago and realize that girl is gone forever, but a part of her still has to live inside of me, she didn’t die; although she did, A big part of her did, but it gave room to her being re-born into something even more beautiful.